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Describe the life you desire in one word

August 10, 2010 in Heart Living with 0 Comments

If you had to sum up what you most wanted out of life in a single word, could you do it? Take a moment to think about it. Which word would you pick?

I started thinking about this last week, and without a doubt, my word would be transcendent. It’s a great word. The dictionary defines the term using these phrases:

  • Going beyond ordinary limits; exceeding; surpassing. Superior or supreme

How are those for words describing your desired life? It’s extraordinary and outstanding taken to a new level. And the word captures another special element — the sense of connecting with something deeper and more meaningful, something beyond yourself.

Aaron in the grand canyonHere’s an obvious example of a transcendent day. In February of 2004, my wife and I got to visit the Grand Canyon. Being 6-months-pregnant, she sent me off on a day of adventure while she enjoyed the chance to read and relax. Naturally, I decided to hike from the Canyon rim, to the river, and back in a single day.

I started out just as the sun was coming up in the morning. Because of the time of year, the upper trails were still ice-covered. But a pair of strap-on crampons got me past the ice with no problems. And what followed was sheer majesty.

I hiked through the awesome splendor of the canyon, all the way to the river, before I saw another living person. The picture to the left I took early on at the corner of a large switchback.

Now, as amazing as that experience was, it was just one day. It would be hard NOT to have a transcendent experience hiking through the Grand Canyon, surrounded by beauty. But can we experience transcendent experiences in every day life? I have, in things like:

  • Watching my three daughters play together in our back yard on warm summer evenings
  • Experiencing the feeling of success after struggling with — and then solving — a difficult challenge at work
  • Giving to someone who is in need with no thought of ever being repaid
  • Staying up long into the night to provide encouragement and advice to a friend pondering a major life decision

We need more transcendent experiences in life than the occasional trip to the Grand Canyon, the ocean, or the country can supply. And they’re available. They’re more about the attitude inside of us than the terrain around us. They’re more about what we choose to give than was is expected of us. And they’re more about the riches we can’t measure than the cash in our pockets.

A transcendent experience begins with eyes that are open, ready to find beauty and wonder in whatever life brings us. Watch for those experiences every day; better yet, help create them for others.

A visual lesson on the integrated life

August 5, 2010 in Heart Living with 2 Comments

I read recently that we are most at peace, most joyful, most effective when our actions across all areas of life match our values. This makes sense. I’ve certainly experienced discontent when I knew I was acting in a way that violated my values. As I’ve considered this fact lately, I needed a visual to make the truth more clear. Here is my attempt.

First of all, imagine the various areas and activities of your life as vertical bands.Vertical bands, the activities of life.Career, family relationships, personal development, friendships, our spiritual state, and our physical health. Not an exhaustive list — just a few examples many of us experience. We are involved daily in activities that are tied to these areas of our lives.

On the other axis lie our values — deeply held personal beliefs. These run horizontally.

Horizontal, the values of our lives.

Strong integrity, a commitment to personal responsibility, a deep respect for all people, and a desire to bring passion and excellence to everything we do — our values are not tied to any specific compartment or activity. They are universal. These are the values we would defend and strive for regardless of the circumstance.

The greatest harmony and strength of spirit is found when every area of our lives is governed by our most deeply held beliefs. An excellent life weaves them together.

An excellent life.No area stands alone. No compartment of our life is immune to the influence of our values. Each part draws strength from the surrounding parts. A life lived this way is not easily thrown off course.

Now of course, we all make mistakes. We act under pressure and make decisions that we later regret — decisions that compromised our goals as individuals. We don’t excuse these mistakes; at the same time, we recognize the road to growth and understanding is often marked by stumbles. Such experiences teach us. They show us how to live better.

But habits — patterns? That is another issue. Consistently living contrary to our beliefs challenges the authenticity of our beliefs and creates unrest, fear, and doubt. Following are a few examples of how this might play out:

  • A father who approaches his career with energy and passion only to come home and plop down in front of the television, leaving his wife and children the scant leftovers of his efforts and attention
  • The individual who is upright in personal relationships but chooses to cut corners at work to pad profits
  • A mother who teaches her children about the importance of proper fitness and then engages in damaging habits that put her own health at risk
  • The boss who preaches personal responsibility to his employees while neglecting the need to mend personal relationships

Such abuses steal our joy, robbing us of energy and leaving a dull ache in our souls at the end of the day. They haunt the corners of our minds as we lie awake at night. We can acknowledge our shortcomings, apologize to those we’ve harmed, and move forward in harmony with our beliefs. Or we can push that gnawing feeling further down and pretend everything is OK.

That’s a path to nowhere. And it ensures we will never be the people we most deeply long to be. For the sake of ourselves and those we love, we must strive to live a life that fully integrates the values we espouse. This is a much better path, and one I am striving to follow. Which will you choose?

One more thing about that parrot: you can’t kill him

August 2, 2010 in Heart Living with 0 Comments

I wrote in a previous post (Kill the parrot in your brain) about the ability to overcome — to ignore — the part of your brain working to stifle your desires and dreams. The parrot listens to your goals and tells you to keep your head down. Don’t risk it. You’ll make a fool of yourself.

The title was fun. The idea of strangling, drowning, or <<insert preferred method of torture here>> the part of us that keeps us from our goals is rather refreshing.

I neglected to mention one essential thing about the parrot: he won’t die. He’s the Energizer Bunny. He’s the cat with 9,000,000 lives. He’s Steven Seagal in any Steven Seagal movie (except for that one where he died getting sucked out of a plane in the first 15 minutes, but that movie wasn’t really about him anyway).

There will always be a part of your mind that resists the pursuit of any worthwhile goal. I call it the parrot, but it’s gone by other names. In her 1936 book “Wake Up and Live,” Dorothea Brande dubbed it the will to fail. Much more recently and certainly more scientifically, Seth Godin has described it as the lizard brain. Seth correctly refers to the management of this part of our minds as quieting, not killing.

The parrot will always be there. His goal is to protect, to preserve. But in today’s world, we need a lot less protecting. What we need is the courage to try. We need to attempt new things, learn from mistakes, and press ahead. Those who experience the most outstanding successes are those who bring something valuable — themselves, their ideas, and their passions — to bear in the world.

Overcoming the parrot won’t happen by his grisly, untimely end. It will come when we’ve trained ourselves to press on in the face of his lies.

Gratitude

August 2, 2010 in Heart Living with 0 Comments

I am a person who believes in the importance of goals. Setting goals and steadily moving toward them is of immense value. But I was reminded this evening of the power of gratitude. We will not feel peace and joy if our desire for change overwhelms our ability to be thankful for what we have.

I recently listened to an audio program on the subject of “attitude” by the famous teacher and broadcaster Earl Nightingale. He described his attitude toward life with two words. Gratitude and expectant. He tried to face each day with thankfulness for the peace, affluence, and freedom we enjoy in America. At the same time, he always looked forward — always believed that a positive attitude and steady effort would bring even greater blessings.

If you find yourself discouraged by the progress you’re making toward a goal, take a moment to breathe easier. Focus on what you’re grateful; take a moment to say thanks. It will bring peace to your heart and galvanize your effort for the road ahead.

Kill the parrot in your brain

August 1, 2010 in Heart Living with 0 Comments

There’s a parrot in your brain. It’s true. It’s sitting there doing exactly the things that parrots do. It talks. It repeats. It clamors for attention. It doesn’t think deeply. It doesn’t reason. It certainly doesn’t come up with new ideas.

The conversation, if you can call it that, goes something like this:

You: I wish I could stay home to raise my infant son instead of sending him to daycare…
Parrot: But you can’t afford it. You need two incomes. Gotta work!  Gotta work!

Or like this:

You: I’d feel so much better if I could lose weight and get my heart in better shape…
Parrot: But you’re too busy! Too busy! And you’ve tried before, but the weight came right back!

Or maybe this:

You: Writing that book woud make me so happy.  I’ve wanted to write it for years…
Parrot: But you don’t know how to write a book. You’ve never done it. And who would read it? Who?

You get the idea. We express our desires, our dreams, our passions. Longings that are deeply meaningful to us. Our parrot tells us why it won’t work — why we’re stuck where we are and must continue doing what we’re doing.

Don’t blame the parrot. It’s not his fault. The parrot did not listen to your desire, think meaningfully about its implications, analyze all possible solutions, and conclude no forward progress could be made. That’s not his job. He only repeats. He’s only saying what you told him to say.

At some point in the past, when faced with a desired outcome, you considered the possibilities (or just went off commonly accepted assumptions) and concluded it couldn’t be done. You told yourself the lie you now believe. And the parrot was sitting, listening. What else does he have to do? And now, when the pressures and longings of life bring your desire bubbling back to the surface, you don’t have to think anymore. You voice your desire; the parrot says his piece. And you believe him. We believe him. End of conversation.

This is no way to live.

Please — take a moment today to listen to your heart. Bring to mind your deepest, most meaningful desire. Say the desire to yourself, out loud. And then listen for the parrot. He’ll voice his objection. But don’t stop there. Take your desire and fast forward. Imagine yourself 20, 30, 40 years from now, late in life, still holding on to that desire. Still longing, but now regretting. How would it feel to have never taken action on your desire?

How would it feel to look at a grown son and wish desperately you’d been home in his formative years?

How would it feel to battle and lose to disease because an unmaintained body lacked the strength to fight?

How would it feel to see a dear friend struggle and wish you’d written that book that would have helped him?

The good news is this. You are in possession of an amazing mind. You have been gifted with the ability to solve the challenges of your life. You can change your stars — set a new course — rewrite your story. There are 100 ways to solve any problem. But it all starts in your mind. When you hear the parrot, silence him. Say to yourself, “That is not true. I can accomplish what I desire.” Then get to work.

On the very practical side, here’s a way to get your mind moving toward solving the problems you face. Take a blank sheet of paper and write your desire — your goal — at the top. Draw a line under it. Then write “Obstacle”; fill in the thing you believe is standing between you and you goal. I can’t afford to stay home. I can’t find time to work out. I don’t know the skills for successful writing. Draw another line.

Now the fun part. Fill the rest of the sheet with ideas for how you might overcome your obstacle. These are real, concrete steps that could move you closer to your goal. Think about solutions that address both sides of the problem. Take for example the mother who wants to stay home with her son: consider not only ways to generate additional income without a 9-5 job; also consider ways to lower expenses or make do with less.

Not every idea will be practical. Not every idea will be fun. But if your goal is meaningful enough, every idea should be considered. The only way to find great ideas for solving the problem is to consider less-great ideas that won’t.

Do this exercise every morning for a week. Start by clearly seeing your desire. Why is it important to you? What will attaining it mean? Then more ideas.

At the end of the week, you’ll have dozens of ideas for how to reach your goals. You may have found one or two that will do the job. If so, that’s great. If not yet, keep going.

Most importantly, whether you’ve found the perfect plan yet or not, you’ve begun to reprogram how you think. You’re believing that your goal is possible. You’re not giving up.

You’ll be able to imagine the best for your life — and not hear the parrot.

It’s better to start and fail than to sit and fear

July 30, 2010 in Heart Living with 0 Comments

Warning: this post is meant only for individuals who ever find themselves fearful or apprehensive about attempting something new. Those of who you begin the pursuit of every new goal or task with complete confidence can move along.

Our natural inclination is to be stationary…not active. We find an agreeable place, take a few turns around in it, and nestle down into a comfortable spot like a pig digging into a warm spot under the straw. We’ve soon worn an impression, or mold, by our habit and find that we’re most at peace in that spot.

We occasionally have a dream, a vision that stirs us toward a new goal. We dream of greater accomplishment. But there’s a problem. The path to this new place isn’t as warm, familiar or safe as the den we’d be forced to leave. Uncertainty reigns. Our best intentions might fail.

So we talk ourselves out of the new adventure. We decide that our current location is better, safer. And if we tried that other road, we might fail! We would undoubtedly feel silly having set out on a road that led nowhere. Keep it as a dream instead. Maybe pull it out to mull over when we’re feeling particularly discontent. But don’t risk it.

What a way to live.

I’ve found this, too often, to be the pattern of my life. I have dreamed of writing, blogging, and exchanging my ideas for years. And yet it took me until yesterday to finally begin — to get my blog set up and write the first post.

And do you want to know the truth? I hate both the posts I wrote on my first day. They fall so far short of what I’d hoped they would be. I missed expressing crucial ideas and was too fuzzy on others. I was feeling a little discouraged yesterday and didn’t do my best work.

Surely I should have forgotten the whole thing. Who will read such poorly expressed ideas?

But here’s the thing. Before yesterday, as I dreamed up new ideas, the only things I had to compare them against were figments — other thoughts that I’d fashioned but never written down on paper (or computer).

Now I have real, concrete things. Love them or not, I’ve got three posts on the Internet. So when a new idea flashes into my mind, I can resolve:

I will write this. I’ll write it the best I can. Here’s how I wrote yesterday. Today, I’ll write better.

That’s how we grow. We attempt, try, and continue without giving up.

The power of the “aha!” moment

July 30, 2010 in Heart Living with 0 Comments

If you’re trying to grow as a person, you’ve probably discovered by now that it can be a lot of hard work.  Certain things come easily; other gains require steady, persistent action.

But big payoffs come in the aha! moments of life.  These are the moments when we get slapped across the face!  We see clearly for the first time a truth that we know will instantly change who we are and how we operate.

Having understood the truth for the first time, it often seems obvious.  ”How could I not have seen this before?”  But that’s the way the mind works.  You don’t really understand and receive truth until you’ve seen/heard it several times and are ready for it.

And quite often, the aha! moments come when our minds are focused on something else.  It’s as if our minds are working in the background to make a connection we didn’t know was there.

Watch for these moments.  Expect them.  Cherish them.  And when they come — STOP!  Don’t let the busy activities of life push aside new truth before you have the chance to fully internalize it.  If you’re engaged in another task, stop and write down what you’ve realized and a few notes about what it means to you.  As SOON as you can, think thoroughly upon your realization.

Ask yourself these types of questions:

  • What does this new truth mean to me?
  • How have I been acting that is contrary to this truth?
  • How will I put this truth into definite, concrete action today?
  • What change can a full internalization of this truth bring in my life and the lives of others around me?

If you capture these aha! moments, they will be a source of huge payoff and growth in your life.  If not, you’ll fail to reap the full reward of your hard work.  Make the best of them!

The two boxes of heart and life

July 29, 2010 in Heart Living with 0 Comments

I’ve come to think about my world — or the world of any person for that matter — in terms of two boxes.

The first box is called “heart.”  It contains the core of who we are and who we most want to be.  Our deepest passions and the strongest desires of our heart lie here.  It’s the place of goals, daydreams, and the things we want to be when we grow up.

The second box is called “life.”  In it lie our concrete actions.  The things we do all day long.  The work that we’re paid to do.  The tasks that are waiting for us when we leave our 9 to 5 at the end of the day.  Here are the two boxes.

The first box is more internal.  We hold these in our minds and only share them by choice.  The second box is what anyone could watch us doing if they observed a day.

We find the greatest fulfillment when our hearts and our lives feed each other.

The boxes working togetherOur passions should lead us to the proper work, the right calling for the way to fill our days.  Work should not simply be about a paycheck.  We shouldn’t have to shut off our desires to get through the day.  At the same time, our daily activities ought to feed and energize us in such a way that our hearts and passions are expanded.  It’s best as a tight circle — a spiral in which these two areas of our life spin faster and faster.  The entwining of our heart and actions produces joy, effectiveness, and even more energy.

Unfortunately, we too often find our insides disconnected from our outsides.  Our hearts push in one direction while duty, paychecks, and the corporate ladder lead another way entirely.

Our heart and life wandering apart.

We drift farther from who we want to be.  And as the distance grows, so does our sense of unease.  I’ve become discouraged, frustrated, and impatient when I feel like I can’t bring my daily activities around to the course charted by my heart.  This isn’t where any of us want to be; unfortunately, we sometimes find ourselves here.

I don’t believe life must be lived this way.  There was a time I wasn’t sure.  But the most I’ve studied, read, and dreamed, I’m increasingly convinced that we can have it all.  If we apply ourselves to growth and success, we can find fulfillment in life by tightly fusing our actions and desires.  And at that intersection — believe it or not — can also be found the financial income you need.

Much of what I write in this blog will address these themes.  I’ll share what I’m learning as I try to build a life fused with passion and desire.  I hope anything that helps me can help you as well.